You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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