Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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