Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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