I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
