on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
