On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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