guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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