she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
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I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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