I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize
