This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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