Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
