I want to walk on stilts...naked
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
