you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
