I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
