The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
