well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
