Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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