tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
