can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
