don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
