Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
