i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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