break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Someone shit on the floor
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
