You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
