And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
