if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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