we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
