Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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