Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You are the jesus of drinking
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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