Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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