New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
