We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
