you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
