yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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