You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
