I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
