dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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