You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just want to make out with him forever
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
