Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
