I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
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While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
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I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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