There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
