Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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