Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
