dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
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I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
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Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Your penis caused this!
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