I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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