I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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