"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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