as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
