the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
