Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Found the puke drawer
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
