The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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