ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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