I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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