Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
