sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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