Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
