i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
