Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
