I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
A bitchslap is in order.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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