come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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