My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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