Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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