I'm really into asian looking animals
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
