grandma shit on top of the toilet
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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