Your face is a jimmy john
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
